My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have a 6 year old son. We both come from two completely different backgrounds and are converts to the church. I grew up with both of my parents and lived a relatively "spoiled" life. My husband grew up with a very alcoholic mother and abusive stepfather. He grew up protecting his mom and two younger sisters until he was about 17 or 18. He converted to the church at that time and moved out on his own. Since then, his mother has gotten a divorce and the stepfather lives a state away. The stepfather is the paternal father to the two girls who are 17 and 16 years old now. The stepfather is a "druggie" and like the hardcore stuff, I have only met him once but he is a total jerk. A few years ago the old sister moved in with him and dealt with his verbal/ slightly physical abuse for a while before finally coming back home and living with some relatives. The younger daughter felt she had an obligation to stay with the alcoholic mother and take care of her. About a year ago, his mother was put in jail for about 3 months for her 3rd DWI and the younger daughter came to live with us. She was very helpful around the house. We got her a cellphone, so we could keep in touch with her while we were at work, she had her own room, she even took the discussions and was baptized (we did not pressure her to do this, she came to us about it). Her mother was released from prison, but she didn't want to take her back and asked us to keep her, we agreed and everyone seemed really happy. A little while later she started having trouble with some math and ended up losing her phone privliges for a week, during this time I took it upon myself to check her text message, etc and make sure she was only talking to people who were appropiate, things like that (she had a history and meeting ppl on facebook and then giving her cell to them and trying to meet up). I discovered that she was getting weed from someone at school. My husband became very defensive and said it must have been a joke. She was at school and having been a teenage girl at one time, I knew where she would hide it, if she was going to and of course found it immediately. My husband was appalled - he confronted her about it and told her she was on lockdown. Her mother was upset and thought we were being too strict, and so we told her that this was our house and if rules were going to be broken, there would be consequences and if she wanted to handle it, she could certainly have her back to discipline her way. She asked us to keep her. Now, if I would have pulled a stunt like that - I would not have seen the light of day again until well after the age of 30) however my husband refused to be that strict and grounded her for two weeks. After that time, she started skipping school, being very disrespectful, etc. We asked her to move back in with her mom. The stress was causing my husband and I to fight daily, my house was in constant disarray, I felt like my son wasn't getting any attention and it was horrible. She moved out after a very rough confrontation with my husband and moved back in with her mom. She told the whole family she hated the church and refused to talk about it. We didn't hear from her for a while, then found out she had really gone off the deep end, heavy smoking, drug use, sneaking out, drinking and her mom couldn't control her. So she called her dad and told him to come pick her up, that she couldn't deal with her. The daughter gladly took this escape route and ran a state away. Her mom really went off the deep end with drinking after that and we don't talk with her much, she can be very angry and verbally abusive when drunk. I have called CPS on this situation so many times I have them on speed-dial. They have determined that she is in no immediate danger and leaver her be.  

My husband got a call this morning that she was being very disrespectful to her father (no suprise there) so he smashed her cell phone, she freaked out and he hit her. He called her mom and told her to come get her that she couldnt stay. Her mom is going to pick her up now. 

Here comes my problem - I told my husband that when she comes back, she is not welcome in our home until she grows up some. I don't want to expose our child to that kind of lifestyle. I am appalled that I have been exposed to it. My husband is upset and feels all protective. We have no other family members in the church and so all have varying degrees of opinions on how to handle the situation (all from embrace her with love to "hell fire and damnation) depending on their denomination. The stress the situation put on my family a year ago almost destroyed it. My husband is very hung up on the Family: a proclamation to the world (as he should be) and feels like he is a failure as a family member if he isolates her. He feels like the church would want us to remain an active part of her live even though every time we even talk about her it becomes a fight. 

What would you do?