No it is not what I imagined at all. First, from when I
was 12 to 16 I really wanted to be a mom, then from 16 to 19 I
decided that I did not want to get married or have kids for a long,
long time. Well then I moved 450 kms away from my hometown,
met my future husband, had a baby within a year and got
married.
I never realized how much is required of a mom. While I
was pregnant with my first they discovered I had bladder cancer but
couldn't do anything until I gave birth. From then on my kids
and husband came first. I never did learn how to put myself
first, ever. Even to this day. After giving birth on
Sept 28, 2000, I had my sugery to deal with this cancer thing on
October 24th, 2000, then told my husband that we are moving to be
closer to his family since he was a new dad, didn't know what he
was doing and needed his family's support. As for me, I am
and always have been independent so I didn't care that I would be
so far from my family. So I booked a truck and told him that
we were leaving on November 17th, 2000. We moved 3000kms
across the country with the new baby in toe. Headed to a
province we had never visited, did not have a job or a house, so we
moved in with his parents for 2.5 years. I decided that one
of us needed a job so one month after getting there I got a job and
he stayed home with our son.
Since that time we have had two more children and the roles have
reversed. He now works with a police service (oh and we moved
again to another province, even further from my family) and I work
from home.
I always imagined that no matter what I do I could handle
anything that came my way. I would always have answers for any
of my questions. After all, I was able to take the bull by
the horn and do the above mentioned and there is the internet if I
don't know something. But I never thought that I would be a
mom of a child that I could not handle and not have answers to what
type of discipline would work for a child of his caliber who has
ADHD.
I imagined that I would be a stay at home mom of 6 children,
that homeschooled her kids while husband was at work. That DH
and I would always see eye to eye on everything, that the kids
would be great and listen and go to bed when told. That
we would have time to relax and do some of our hobbies while
they were sleeping and get to bed at a decent time like 10:00 to
10:30 and feel refreshed in the morning.
This is where I would still like to be. Unfortunately,
having a child with ADHD does not make our life so quiet and
simple. He is forever on the go like a two and three year
old. You constantly have to supervise him. He is a
hands on type of child which means that he is constantly taking
stuff apart, breaking items because he thinks he can fix them,
putting holes in walls because he is bored (but this is at 12am
when he is supposed to be sleeping, so ya if you are awake, you are
bored) and does it with items like pens, pencils, paper clips,
etc. He always has a smile on his face though, which makes
him the most happy child as well. I love him to bits but
sometimes I am just so exhausted from watching him and from fixing
the damage or from listening to my husband while he is fixing the
damage that I just cannot see past this phase in our lives.
So no, being a mom is not what I imagined it to be. It is
alot harder that I ever could have imagined, but I cannot
imagine my life without them. How little time you have to
stop, breathe and do things for yourself is what still surprises me
most about the reality of being a mom. But I am bound and
determined to bring balance back into my life. Not sure how,
but it will happen, even if it is when my youngest is 20 years
old. Hopefully sooner so that I can enjoy everything that my
children do, are and will be.
