I can feel how heavy this for you and how it is wearing on your heart. You love your husband and you desire for him to be close to your son. Typically, the child defines the pace with which they and their stepparent bond. In your situation, it sounds like your son wants a relationship and is open to one and your husband is hesitant to develop one. 

It's not uncommon for stepparents (both stepmoms and stepdads) to feel that they may be disloyal to their children if they open their heart to their stepchildren. Not knowing your husband and your situation, I don't know if that is the case. 

It seems that you and your husband have a strong friendship and love for one another. I think its important to keep the lines of communication open on this topic and understand why a relationship is not developing between your husband and your son. Keep the conversation on the topic and don't let it get personal. 

I don't want this to be a deal breaker for you. Because this is soooo important to you and of a serious nature, I would want to know more about the situation in order to give more advice/wisdom. If you want to talk further, you can email me.

Please hang in there and remember that your husband loves you and the fact that he does not have the relationship that you want him to have with your son doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care about your son.

Stay strong. 

xoxo Heather

Sometimes I think it is not as easy for men to build that bond as women. Its in our nature. Do they participate in any activities together? Those kind of "father son" activities really help build that bond and parent and child don't even realize it is building a connection together. For example, if your son enjoys playing basketball, encourage your husband and son to play some basketball together. Make it all of you at first to make it not so awkward, then can gradually work it where it's just your husband and son. Something along these lines. It's helped my husband and son bond a little better. :)

Thanks for the advice and welcome to the group. Please feel free to post questions/comments. 

Sometimes guys can build bonds, as you suggested, without even knowing it. Playing ball, working on a school project, learning how to fix stuff, etc.. are great ways to work together and in essence forge a bond.

 

Thanks, Heather

Jessica, I feel for you and have been there. It hurt my heart so much. But I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I have been married for about 6 years now. He had two boys, a little older than my son. I think, initially, he believed his sons would be jealous of any attention he showed my son, and I can see where that was probably true. And, he felt my son didn't want to bond with him because he thought my son should have reached out to him more. However, my son is not the type to reach out, especially if he thinks he might be rejected. I have on a couple occasions, made my concerns known.

The problem is, we're all a bunch of introverts. Nobody seems to be naturally inclined to make overt gestures. Or talk about our feelings. Or try something new.

But, I can see that my husband is starting to make more efforts to give him responsibilities in the home (equate that to bonding) and has started taking an interest in monitoring his grades. Maybe it helps that now that all three boys are older (high school), and they appear to get along. The boys don't display signs of jealousy or posessiveness like they once did.

I tried to think of ways to help my husband bond with my son. Things I suggested were asking my son to do things such as:

• set up the grill when we are going to bbq
• use the leaf blower on the patio
• mow the lawn
• take out the garbage

You might think these just sound like chores, but when a man asks another man to do something, it creates confidence. "Hey, he believes in me. He thinks I can do this." I don't think I can spell out exactly how they're bonding, and it certainly isn't the level as with his own sons, but I am feeling better about it.