Thanks for sharing and reaching out to your community of stepmoms. We are here for you. Please know that you are not alone in this situation.

Personally, I go through something very similar with my SD10. While she does not visit with her mom (I’m a custodial stepmom) she does talk with her occasionally. Every time my SD speaks with her mom or hears her voice on voicemail (often my SD refuses to pick up the phone and talk - she is very angry w/ her mom for leaving) her demeanor towards me changes. It’s like clockwork which sounds like your situation. She gets frustrated, angry and disrespectful towards me.

You may be experiencing “transference” by your stepdaughter. Transference is a term used to describe when a person transfers feelings they have for one person onto another based on similar roles. For instance, my stepdaughter takes her anger, frustration that she feels for her own mother out on me - the mom in the house. It’s not me personally but the role I play in her life. She has even admitted to me that she loves me and knows I take good care of her but she often doesn’t understand why her mom isn’t here doing these things for her and it makes her angry/sad.

I get that. Still hard to take when you are in the middle of it. Know that it is not personal. I think it is great that you can see a pattern and it will be important for you and your stepdaughter to give each other grace during the transitional periods.

Thanks again for sharing. Never forget that your heart is in the right place and you are a great mom and stepmom. Stay strong and press on. Please stay in touch.

xoxo Heather

Hi,

Yes I recognize the same thing in my step-children also.  Heather has given you some great insight and advice.

My husband is the custodial parent but they do not leave for weeks at a time, however, even 3 days away they come back feeling a little "topsy turvy."  I have learned not to take it personally, and within just a few hours, they are back to normal.

On a side note, my own son used to get very irritable around his birthday.  It took years for me to realize what was happening.  His father is not very involved in his life, and neither is his father's family.  Although I do my best to show him he's loved, he gets really grouchy with me like clock work.  Every birthday..more so than holidays. 

Hi,

I can understand where you are coming from, I also get that every other weekend when my 2 step sons come over, they are hesitant around me and it makes me kinda sad that I need to start over, but my stepsons are younger and they may just not know how to change and adapt as they are full time with their mom and 1/2 time with us. But i can def understand how it would hurt you.