Oh my gosh I can only imagine.  I know one mistake I have made when my friends lost a baby is I didn't know what to say so I didn't really say anything.  Some family members could be in same boat.

Hello - I just commented on your post but wanted to visit your community as well.  I have never dealt with the loss of a child but I once had a very close boyfriend who died in a plane crash.  He was a bush pilot in Alaska, which is dangerous, but no on ever expects a crash to happen to them.  It was devastating for me and his immediate family (that was 15 years ago and his mom and I are still very close).  My family, on the other hand, had no idea how to support me.  I lived on my own about 2 hours away and I called them every day for weeks.  I didn't even know what I needed from them but I knew I wasn't getting it.  They simply didn't know what to do with me. Finally, my best friend (who lived in another state) drove to see me. She made sure I ate, showered, she fielded phone calls, made sure my bills got paid, and was my shoulder to cry on.  Out of all the family members and people I had in my daily life, she was the only one who stepped up and showed up for me.

I don't think people mean any harm, I just think they don't know what to say or do so they do nothing. Some people think that their awkwardness will make someone feel bad.  And then time goes by and people feel embarrassed that they waited so long so they continue to be silent.  Don't be too hard on them - they'll learn. When people know better, they do better.  My sister acknowledged years later that she wished she had called and done more - she just didn't know what to do and was busy with her own life.

p.s. Rusty is right - many people find that reminding readers about your community in your daily posts (like a note on the bottom that says "hey, come join the conversation here in my community") or something like that tends to attract more people to the community.

Thanks for sharing your story on your blog!

For me, most people at least sent a card if nothing else. And I'm glad they at least did that. Most of our family and friends live 2 1/2 hrs away so once the funeral was said and done there weren't people around. There are people I wish would've done more for us.

I have to say I would be upset if someone hadn't acknowledged us in some way. A card is such a simple thing to do and it doesn't take a lot of effort. Heck, an email is even easier!! I would have a hard time talking to them or being around them.

One thing you could do is let the person know how they have hurt you by not acknowledging your child. Maybe they don't realize how much it would've meant? Some people are so afraid to say or do anything because they don't want to upset the person grieving any more than they already are. I've often tried to put myself in the shoes of others. Would I get it right or would I fail miserably like so many do?

It's so easy to become anger or bitter about it. It is normal to be angry but it isn't good to let it take over your life. Our children wouldn't want that for us. If you think about it, letting those emotions sit and stir only hurts you. It doesn't really hurt the people that it is focused on as they prolly have no clue you even feel that way!

After my son Everett died (in December 2007 at 20 days old), I remember feeling like a lot of people who should have been there for me weren't, and I was so angry with them.  Angry enough to call some out on their absence, and I found that it was usually the case that they had no idea what to say to me, so they said nothing.  I'm glad I spoke up and was able to tell them how much I needed people who acknowledge him and remember him and grieve him with me.  Nothing takes away the pain, but company at times can help. <3

Katie

I am so sorry for your loss, and understand the question, along with the need to keep details private. 

My 17 year old son died almost 2 years ago (next month) and there is nothing worse in this life than our child dying.  I have learned through my own experience that people fear to offend, and they dont know what to say, so they error on the side of caution and say nothing, which is deeply hurtful on so many levels.

Our friends and family were wonderful.  However, that first year of grief is a real doozy, and for many bereaved parents we are still so numb or at least I was - for me the second year has been the hardest, and people expect that one would have moved on by now.  I spent 14 months with a grief therapist whose own daughter was murdered, so she KNEW what we were feeling, and this second year I joined a support group The Compassionate Friends which has been a God send, and has helped me to understad not to expect so much from people who have no idea of the pain that we live with. 

I write about all of this in my blog, and writing has helped me survive this nightmare.

Peace and love,

Lisa

I am so sorry for your loss of Peyton and pray for you and your snowflakes.  It was so hard for me after losing my 2nd daughter Jenna to try and understand how people responded to her death.  There wer so many that didn't respond at all or who after a month conveniently "forgot" and figured I should be moved on.

After 6 years, I still include Jenna, I still talk about her but others don't always understand.  I try to remember that people tend to say nothing rather then hurt you by reminding you but what they don't understand is that we live it every minute of every day.

There were several relationships I stood back from and many that I cut ties with because I was unable to deal with their inability to let me grive the death of my daughter.  I didn't nor do I care now how uncomfortable they were.  No matter how hard it was for them to deal with they couldn't step out side of that and think of what my husband and I were going through. 

I hope you are able to find people in your life, especially after the birth of your snowflakes, who allow you to still grieve Peyton.